Going through my older journal entries has been a game changer for my growth. This idea I had to share blogs with you guys which are inspired from journal entries has been THE BEST IDEA to delve into the shadows and bring light to some of the unhealed areas within my life. Maybe at the time we are journal purging, which is my meaning of writing to get that shit all out of your head onto paper, to then close your journal and put aside to feel you probably never read it again. But then, when you actually do read it again, your like wow, did I actually write that, because right there, as you are purging it out on paper, you have answered yourself to the big questions you ponder on daily. The big questions that you ask when you maybe feeling stuck or depressed. Then BAM, here they are!
In a journal which has remained closed for too long.
So, one entry I was writing about ridged patterns and guilt.
About how having ridged patterns whether it was to do with eating a certain way, or routines around exercise or just habitual patterns in general was causing some kind of ‘dis-ease’ withing my life.
Guilt cycles being birthed from wavering away from the patterns. I had a signed a contract to these patterns withing my own mind and once I breached that contract, ‘bad bad’ girl!
It was like I had betrayed a best friend, or felt I had to be put in the naughty corner of the classroom for speaking when I was not meant to.
I had broken the rules and I was bad, so I must feel ashamed and guilty. I must be punished.
I had such a loyal agreement, an attachment to the old stories at play behind the scenes of the habitual patterns. These attachments were the driver for these patterns to keep repeating themselves over and over. The attachments were like strings on puppet, and I was the puppet being played to accordingly fit the stories.
Going away from these patterns caused tightness in my chest, in my entire body, and my mind would jump all over that saying I told you it was a bad idea. You should have just stayed with the same routine, what were you thinking?
My subconscious mind was so invested in the stories that anything that did not validate acting to support those stories felt so darn uncomfortable and so very wrong. I felt I was betraying myself.
With that new space and those new feelings arising, I had to support myself in this unfamiliar territory. I had to make myself feel safe here. Not to distract myself from feeling the feelings, no, but to consciously feel that I was not in any real danger being here. My subconscious had so much invested within the patterns that usually I would always flee before I made any real changes. Before the break-through. So naturally yes it did feel unsafe at first, but once recognised that I was in no real danger, I felt safer to hold space for myself.
I have come to a conclusion, that the more I clung to habitual behaviours, the more sadness, depressed and tired I felt.
Letting go, well that felt weird at the start. My mind would go ballistic and a bit ‘cray cray’, yet underneath the ‘cray’, was something that quite hard to put into words. It was like a sweet smile from a five-year-old girl sitting back in a chair swinging her legs feeling proud of herself.
What I am learning is that holding onto strict patterns out of obligation to serve the stories, is causing me a lot of pain and disconnecting me from my own body’s wisdom. Not just physical pain, soul pain at such a deeper level than surface pain.
A pain that is pushed aside with the distractions of the world to not have to feel into it. The many tempting distractions to fill the space can seem somewhat easier. This is only a temporary fix and in the long run just can halt our earthly soul mission. I am not saying that repression is a bad thing. Sometimes it can be the very thing we may need if our sensitive soul cannot deal with so much at one time. What I am saying is that constant repression and distraction can become the easy road out that is taken far too often. So, it is here we need to break the cycle of fear. The fear of feeling into our own hearts.
What do we need to do?
We can’t deny this no more.
You may not want to hear this.
It is CHANGE!
BURN THAT CONTRACT that ties us to the deep-seated stories keeping us stuck.
Break the rules.
Set your heart FREE!
Under no obligation are you to remain in relationships that stunt your growth.
Make the change your soul is so longing for and birth this new beautiful way of being into everything you do.
Now it is time not to deny the wisdom of our spirit
‘Ekkkk’…. let’s do this!
Come hold my hand as we can all hold each other up in this much needed time for change.
Freedom is now on our doorstep and is waiting for us to open the door and let it in.
‘Whoo hoo’, let’s welcome CHANGE with excitement.
We must celebrate this new feeling and fill it with rejoicing in breaking a loop in the chain.
We are victorious within the change.
PS: hey guess what?
The healthy desserts recipe book not far off from being printed!
This is a huge accomplishment for me. This book is not just a recipe book. I am also creating awareness around eating disorders and mental and emotional health.
I want to make a difference.
Thanks to Devin Avery @devintavery for making this photo available freely on Unsplash
Thanks to Siim Lukka @siimlukka for making this photo available freely on Unsplash