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Dark Night of the Soul

Eating disorder traits suck balls!

Maybe it is the ‘dark night of the soul’?

But hang on. I thought I went through that a few of years ago?!

Can you go through it multiple times?

Maybe it is the ‘dark night of the soul’ I am feeling that humanity is experiencing?

Either way it isn’t a walk in the park going through it. Old patterns trying to resurface. Being pulled back into some old rituals which I thought I had left in the past. Thought patterns slowly been arising that I just want to scream sometimes. Is it the dark night of the soul transition that is bringing all this up or is just a whole in the soul that needs to be mended up from past trauma that has not been dealt with and slowly eroded parts of my soul?

A few days ago, I found myself feeling I had a very ugly face. If you have been following me, you will know I am brutally honest when it comes to talking about my journey. Yesterday wasn’t easy dealing with all the emotions that come up with these feelings. I wanted to run away from the feelings. I wanted to exercise and inflict for punishment like it was someway my body’s fault for looking ugly and puffy in the face. You know what I did?

I laid on the ground with a castor oil pack on my beautiful belly, as it was quite unsettled after eating meals yesterday while in a stressed state, and I laid there with a movie on, that I wasn’t really watching, and I cried. It felt good. It actually felt really good! I was comforted by the release and the warmth of the heat pack on my belly was like a big hug from within. I told myself that I am beautiful. I told myself that I am kind. I told myself that I do deserve pleasure and nourishment. I told myself that I will not exercise again for punishment and do it for pleasure and enjoyment. I told myself that I will eat foods that my body truly needs to glow again. I want my sparkle back I yelled out. I want to feel I have a beautiful face when I look in the mirror. So, I softened then. I laid there and didn’t want to move, and to be honest, if didn’t have to eat dinner I probably would have stayed there until I had to go to bed but, I had a tummy to feed and my budgie Woowoo was needing his tucker too.

So why are the rituals, the thoughts, the low moods, and feelings I could curl up in my bedroom for weeks and go into my cave like a bear?

It maybe the fact I have left Queensland last year in September and grieving some of my friends there, but also as here in the Barossa Valley, it has become so freezing and Winter has only just started, or maybe it is the ‘dark night of the soul’ energy resurfacing. I know from talking to some of my friends they to are experiencing old things resurfacing. Physical body misalignments that are appearing in the body. Patterns they too thought that were buried deep in the past resurfacing.

Questions and judgements about decisions made and uncertainty about almost everything.

Surfacing feelings about why we are truly here and why we have chosen this path to grow through.

We need to stay strong, and all remember that as long as life remains, the possibility to dream remains. To remember that every decision made or path we have once chosen, has led us here in the now to teach us to teach another to stand up straighter and hold more compassion and light than ever. Everyone of us has walked a different path in our own unique way that not another has and that is truly a credit to us that we don’t realize. Our journeys lessons may hold the key to unlock the heart chamber for another, and wow, isn’t that a truly beautiful magical realization.

So yeh, eating disorder traits suck balls, but it is what resurfaces when I go into darker places. I have used it as a coping mechanism to get into when things in my life just get too hard or too stressful.

Do I act on all the thoughts?

No way. I moved through a lot in my journey so far, and I am still doing some inner work around it. My book I have launched goes into some of my journey being under the eating disorder spell if you want to read it, and has 42 healthy food dessert recipes within, will pop link below if you are interested to take a peak.

I know have a fair way to go to release a lot of fears, but it is my journey that I feel I cannot go to fast as this creates too much stimulation and overwhelm which results in 10 steps forward and like 50 steps back. I guess at present I am trying to come to my understanding that once sunset hits the night, I have done my part, I have treated people with kindness, and myself the best I could that day, I have counted my blessings with my gratitude journaling daily, and I have chosen to nourish my body and soul to the best of my capability that day. Now I also know I have used all these as ways to live through another day trying to remain in perfect control and use excuses not to change, but I have seen and felt what it feels like to live outside of fear and that visualization smells so sweet. I never knew there was something beyond fear for a long time as the darkness clouded that visualization for years. But now seeing it, unsure I could remain thinking about staying stuck in it forever. The ‘dark night of the soul’ energy does not make any transition easy but, maybe that cave we want to go into holds so much light than we ever could believe.

What if that cave is our freedom?

Like a dark night with a bunch of bright stars to remind us we are alive and that when this day closes, we have played a huge part in the world no matter how much we have or haven’t done, and the new dawn is another road to walk that not one person has before.

So yeh, eating disorders traits suck balls, and going through a ‘dark night of the soul’ period feels pretty icky too, maybe it is actually truly beautiful.

Maybe your stuff right now you are going through is the most beautiful thing imaginable but, the ego has projected it out as something that is to think of as being wrong.

‘The dark night of the soul’, or is it the new age of the light?

Eating disorder traits suck balls, or shall I start reframing my thinking and ask, is eating disorder traits the best opportunity to learn to grow into greatness.

On that note, I will leave us all with that thought for now and see you real soon again.

I love you dearly for being here journeying with me back to my sweet life.

Tabitha xoxo

Link here for my book as promised above

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