Hey everyone, well here goes…
As I promised, I am going to share some of my journal entries, ekkkk.
Remember in my last post I said that I had a strong calling to do this?
I feel this will help me shed light on how far I have come, yet also if am repeating the same outdated patterns over and over to become more aware of them.
It can be a vulnerable thing sharing pieces from your private journal, but I have a strong message coming through that this is something I have to do as a part of my healing journey. I will try to leave out some of the swear words used throughout my journals, I have a few of them, yet for me I find it helps me get out what is needed to be expressed at times easier. It can help me determine the emotions at play, but as I said will slightly reword for conscious kindness to all who may not appreciate this expression. I will not be adding dates to any of my entries.
One entry I often reflect on is my entry named…
“It is ok to say you are better than ok”!
Let me share what I wrote in my journal to then share my views currently on the feelings and realisations around this…
Every time someone would ask me how I am, how is your health?.
“yeah, I am ok”. Said with a sigh before the words came out. It is not that I wanted to be pitted at all. The last thing I want is people to think that I am a victim of my circumstances. This goes far deeper than this I feel. It is a feeling of feeling guilt and shame for actually saying, “I feel great” or “I feel fantastic today”.
There is no shame in saying you feel ok if that is all you feel, but when have my days when feel really good, I down play it and find that feel guilty for saying it.
I feel that a lot of my past choices and experiences are shaping how I feel now and affecting my self worth. Denial of feeling good like a punishment from past choices I feel wrong by or even yet, ruined by.
I feel by always just saying, “just ok all the time”, my body is responding to keeping me only ok. I also notice the mannerism and the body language when I say, “just ok”. It is a lot less than optimistic.
I need to honour to say I feel just ok when I do and be true to that, but I need to not feel ashamed or unworthy of feeling amazing when I actually feel amazing.
This pattern needs to change so get some ideas together.
Ahhh, so this entry gets me thinking and feeling a lot. I felt resistance to share as this entry is not about receiving attention or pity. To be honest, receiving attention and pity frustrates me.
Reading this saddens me to think I don’t feel I deserve feel great when I do. This very thing is probably what sabotages a great experience. It comes down to worthiness from living in the past too much. Feeling that everything that has gone wrong in my life has to be an act of punishment in the now.
But really, were these experiences ever wrong?
Those choices made then probably felt so right for that moment and in every moment we have to choice something. By restricting life’s joy now because of then seems ludicrous, yet I still can engage within the traps of this pattern I now see.
Journaling is very powerful. To get your feelings out on paper, then to go threw old journals is a great practise for your growth and awareness. Just this entry alone has bought up a lot yes, as I feel have moved on from some of the guilt and shame felt through more forgiveness work with myself, but it also shows me my weaknesses that maybe need to be strengthened like a muscle over time. To give myself more building blocks through the act of self-love.
I look forward to sharing more entry blogs with you all and appreciate you all holding space for me to do so.
Lot of love to you all,
Tabitha Lee. Eat-Share-Love
PS: talk about self-love, my coming soon recipe healthy desserts book will be on its way, soon. Talk about love, think of banana banoffee bread cake, or raw lemon and passionfruit cheesecake. All gluten-free.
You can subscribe to my website so you don’t miss it. So not to be missed as it’s very different to your usual recipe book. www.tabithaeatsharelove.com