I am not prim and proper, nor do I try to be

I am not prim and proper, nor do I try to be.

I sometimes go 2 days without showering.

I sometimes leave the house without washing my face, to realize had sleep in the corner of my eyes.

I sometimes swear, and a lot.

I sometimes pick my nose. Come on, I know you do it too until you get busted by someone driving past you on the road in their car.

I sometimes wear the same clothes a few days in a row, even if got sweaty in them.

I sometimes wear track suit pants to events that would usually require skirts.

I sometimes let a pop off go in a supermarket isle when no one is behind me.

I sometimes burst into tears in a pilates class, those emotions are not meant to be held in.

I sometimes stand in front of the mirror for ages tweezering my nose hairs.

I sometimes lick out my dinner bowl clean until its almost sparkly enough to pop back in the cupboard.

The older I get, I could guess you could say, the less I actually care about what others think. I know I know, we all deep down still care what others think to some degree, but it slightly can loose its power. The more I try to be someone I am not, the more drained I feel. The more I try to be someone I am not I tend to cover up my emotions and that untruth becomes like a toxin to my body. The more I try to be someone I am not, the further I cave into the personality the ego wants me to believe who I am.

Trying to be someone I am not, is not a walk in the park, it is exhausting. The trying is the hardest. The ‘trying’ always lead me into a cycle of shame.

Shame?

Yes shame, because trying to be someone you are not, isn’t sustainable, and is short lived, if you are conscious of playing a role that is not you. Trying to be someone other than myself is constantly living for others and not myself. It is very tiring. Then the shame of not living up to the standards of that set of who I think I should be, being a perfectionist and all, then I feel guilty and shame when I do let my guard down. The last few years, sometimes I feel I could say I have been a bit daggy.

Daggy is my perception of, letting myself go a little bit. Like when a man doesn’t shave a few months and just lets nature do its thing. So daggy, I have been a little when it comes to appearance. I have a home salon I operate from and my clients are so used to rocking up with myself in my favourite old leggings, and maybe a t-shirt I wore to bed the night before. I know at times there is also some worthiness issues I need to deal with about feeling deserving and beautiful enough to wear more feminine clothes, yet that story is for another time, as here I am just expressing how I feel I don’t need to show up as someone I am not in the moment for another. My clients just love me because I do a wonder hair style for them, and whether I wear a dress with makeup on, which is not me by the way, does not determine if they leave happy or not. They are just seeing me for their own needs.

Being prim and proper is just hard work for me. Hard work that I just don’t have the energy for these days. Being prim and proper covers up my emotions and buries them deep until it hurts.

By letting go of having to be prim and proper, has cracked my heart open more ways than I thought was possible. Just today, I was in my local organic shop and saw a friend. We had a conversation that is touchy with me at the present moment. Now, if I was trying to be all prim and proper, I would have held my head high and keep an artificial smile on my dial, when I actually just wanted the tears to flow and be hugged in that space. If I wanted to be prim and proper, I would have kept that head high in the very knowing that someone could see me cry in the middle of the shop. I would have tried to be too proud.

So, what did I do?

I cried! I was not holding back my emotions for the concern of what others would think. This would only hurt me in the end. If I was the conversation at the dinner table of the lady in the shop that saw me cry, it is not my responsibility how she responds to how I express my emotions. All I need to do is, congratulate myself that I wasn’t too ego proud to let my emotions bank up within my body tissues. If I was trying to be so prim and proper, I wouldn’t have let this burst occur.

So, could you say I am starting to let go of perfectionism then in a way?

Now I got myself thinking. I really hope so. If you have been following me for a while, you will know my story with ortharexic tendencies. The expectations of perfectionism is highly focused around the food I eat, routines, and also how I live in my environment. Slightly OCD you could say. Now, with some parts of my life, this is not a bad thing.

Ok, getting off track I know, back to being not prim and proper.

Prim and proper, is it trying to be a certain way with the dialogue in the background running that I have done something wrong?

Did a dialogue like this create beliefs that I was wrong in who I authentically am because of being shamed for expressing my true nature and now feeling the world is an unsafe place?

Being prim and proper, or taking on a false sense of sense and becoming co-dependant upon others to determine how you need to be based upon their reactions, it is way too much work.

So here I am saying, I am not prim and proper, nor do I intend to be.

I give you permission to let yourself go a little too. Cut yourself some slack and scream it from the tree trunks….

I am not prim and proper, nor do I intend to be.

Tabitha Lee. Eat-Share-Love xoxo

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