What is it?
A big fat pain in the arse is what it is.
How does it make you feel?
Absolutely insane, stressed, fearful, upset, and over emotional all at once.
What does it give you?
Sense of control, achievement and satisfaction.
What does it make you loose?
Fun experiences, connection, laughter and health.
So, what actually is it from my perspective besides what we established already being a big pain in the arse that causes stress and is controlling and robs you joy?
It is an obsession with being so healthy that it becomes an addiction that control you. It takes over you like an entity. You wake with it and go to bed with it at night. It becomes you and you become it. It has a set of rules in order for you and my golly you better not breach them or else. It can control your food and exercise routines to fit into its guidelines, and just about any daily actions it can try to control them too.
Where and how does it happen?
Now, that is where I am still trying to figure that all out. I could write a huge list on my theory to how it has come to be. Let me share a few here with you now.
Ok well there is my theory that it is actually fears of certain foods due to parasites infections and gut bacteria imbalances and this is actually making me fearful of certain foods due to the pain I feel when consume certain foods. Let’s be honest, if a lot of foods cause pain or bloating that can definitely put up a barrier between you and food and have researched that there are some parasites that can actually cause eating disorders and use us a host. Will keep you all posted on that one as I am awaiting some test results from a Holistic GP so keep a watch out to what arises as I would love to share.
Then there is the theory that I have all these gut imbalances and food fears due to past restrictions and rules that stressed my body out allowing an open invitation for invaders to come in with a weakened immune system, in which has resulted in food allergies and gut issues. From the age of 14 I started to restrict food to then late teens binge on sugar and carbs like to make up for the famine in a way. To then choose health and then turn my back on myself again. To then become so obsessed with food it was my identity and wow, now that’s a lot of stress and pressure placed on oneself. We all know what stress can do to the gut right?
Then there is the theory that all the outside influences of diets and what is right and wrong or good or bad made me go a little crazy with confusion. I was on a search to find a diet that made me feel my best. Gee, I have been on every diet out there, high carb, low carb, paleo, vegan, keto, vegetarian, carnivore, etc. I am not saying that some diet protocols don’t have a place as they most definitely do at certain periods in your life to heal certain issues to be addressed.
Then there is the theory that I have come to terms with that actually being underweight can actually trigger the eating disorder gene and it can take over and cerebral atrophy causes confusion that you actually choose so unconsciously because you are not grounded in your body and you develop a set of rules that have no importance to you at all but because you are not thinking straight.
Then, the theory that the ortharexia got more of a hold on me after being hospitalised for weeks for the eating disorder in my past which one day I will openly talk more about, but the trauma of that is now logged in my body and adding fuel to the fire.
I could go on and on with these theories, but I have way too many at present. All I know that all these theories of mine have absolute importance because it is how I feel. All my theories have some significant truth in them. They all make sense to me why I have OCD ortharexia. I believe all of them are interwound in some way.
I have no shame in saying that I am still in this journey and I have more than ever been a witness to the insanity of it all within the last year more than ever, and I can tell you the insanity can become more intense once you actually start to catch it out. Partly because you see the importance to change that needs to be made and that can disrupt your neurons in the brain that have been running on certain programs for a long time. Then there is when you start making the changes and then you can feel like a nervous wreck. Crazy even.
But when I started to witness that I was completely disempowered by the vindictive addictive OCD ortharexia, I knew I need to start implementing the changes slowly.
If you have been following me you may have heard me spoke about this stuff for a while and although talking and expressing is so very powerful to change, the real change happens in the action. That just seems to be the most challenging sometimes, yet this is what we need to do to heal. All I know when you become so fed up with the mind games and just so done, this is the breaking point for big change coming. Mind and body is in need of a harmonious relationship and without them working as team we have two completely separate selves causing confliction.
Breaking addictions is not easy. The addiction does have purpose as is just trying to protect you from something, but until you find out what that may be and see if it its just a self-created fear that holds you back, it will always be at the fore front of your life because it feels like it is helping you in some way or form.
So, if you are ready to journey with me, I will be sharing more about my life and journey and what I am about. Along the way of finding myself.
My recipe story book that will be released this year will also have key messages about what it has been like to live my journey to where I am now. Jump over and subscribe as love to have you come along.
By sharing more in the hope for not only more to arise to face, but also in the hope this may just inspire you to, to face some of your outdated beliefs and programs running in the background.
Can we say “F*** IT? We can’t keep doing this over and over”?!
Love from me,